Hallucinations
by br00klyn meyers
Summary: A series of short scenes about if Bella was to have more hallucinations than originally in New Moon.
1. Climbing Trees

Edward grabbed my arm, and the pleading look coursing through his golden eyes nearly sent me to my knees. He hadn't ever touched me before, and I froze in shock. I still hadn't even quite gotten over seeing him for the first time in months, even if he was just a hallucination. It was as though my brain had decided to take me down quickly after all.

"Please, Bella, stop this."

I had to tear my eyes away from his to be able to respond. "It's _my_ life."

"What can I do? Please, I'll do anything." For a moment, I let myself believe him. But then, my eyes narrowed as a sharp stab of anger ripped through my heart. It was a peculiar thing, to feel angry at something again, especially directed towards Edward. I hadn't felt anything close to anger in months.

"You won't do anything. You know that. Now leave me alone," I snapped, but I regretted my words as soon as they left me. The hole in my chest smarted, and I wrapped an arm around my abdomen. The other arm I tightened around the thick tree branch I was clinging onto. "Don't leave," I whispered, but only the empty wind heard me now as it carried my words through the trees.

I looked down. I really wasn't that high up, but I knew that if I fell, I would definitely have some explaining to do to Charlie. Removing my arm from my waist, I resumed working on what I had come here to do. It took some time, but I was eventually a fair distance off the ground, precariously seated on a branch against the vast trunk of the tree. I slowly, while working hard to maintain my balance, moved my gaze from the forest floor to the expanse of green sea stretching around me, hiding whatever other secrets and mythical creatures I may have not yet known about, and took a deep breath.

"It's _my_ life," I whispered.


	2. The Meadow

The wildflowers tickled my arms and caressed my hair as they danced in the breeze. It was one of the first nice days of the year, and the sun shone down on me like a warm blanket. My eyes were closed, and I was pretending that nothing existed but what was with me here in this moment. A breeze carried subtle hints of honey and lilac under my nose, and my lips turned up in a small wistful smile.

I already knew that this little excursion to the meadow would prove to be a big mistake, but I was too tired of focusing all of my effort on ignoring everything that had the potential to hurt me. Jacob never seemed to have any time for me anymore, not with his duties from the pack, and without my personal sun around, I could feel myself inevitably begin to shut down again.

I couldn't bring myself to regret it, though. Not then, at least. Even if I would have to pay for this tonight, it was all worth it just for this moment. I could pretend that Edward was lying next to me, just like he used to, and that the sweet scent I could smell really was coming from him. Plus, when I had first entered the meadow, I was presented with a green field lush with flowers and life, looking like it could be a picture of last spring. Mixed feelings of delight, pain, and longing had swirled through me, and I stood there for a few moments, taking it all in. It was a good thing, I finally decided. I didn't think I could take it if my paradise had been dead and empty like the last time I had ventured there.

"Bellaaa," the wind sighed. Velvet notes caressed my name as it circled through the air.

"Hello," I whispered, careful to not disturb the mellow peacefulness sheltering me.

"Bella," my name sounded again, and this time I could hear it coming from a spot right next to me. It sounded more alive, more real, than before. I kept my eyes shut, not wanting to break the fragile illusion that had formed. Cold fingers traced over my open palm, and my heart sped up. A musical laugh sounded throughout the air, with notes more beautiful than any song I had ever heard. Well, maybe except for one.

Edward began humming my lullaby, and everything I thought I had believed in suddenly turned around. With the manner he handled the song, it did not seem possible that he didn't want me anymore, not possible that he didn't love me. But then, I remembered that this Edward was just from my head, just what I wanted to see and hear. _It's nice to dream, though,_ I thought.

"Will you stay with me?" I asked, and the raw vulnerability in my voice clawed through my throat. When did I become this weak? I supposed I knew the answer to that, though; when he left me.

"Bella," he said, and with the reverence in his voice, I couldn't help but believe his every word. "I never left." As he spoke, however, his words began to fade, as though he was drifting away.

I opened my eyes, and the illusion broke. He wasn't anywhere to be seen or heard. The sun still shone as brightly as ever, though, and my skin was warm for once. I stood up to leave, and cast a final look over the meadow. The flowers seemed to wave goodbye, swaying in the breeze, and as I picked my way through the woods, a certain sweet scent followed me home.


	3. A Silent Classmate

I trudged through the halls of the school, the laughter and chatter floating past me faded, as though deflected off of a invisible barrier surrounding me. The teachers' voices in all of my classes had been shrunk to a droning babble, as plain and monotone as the white school walls caging me in.

Without looking up once, I went to sit at the Cullen's old table in the lunchroom. I leaned back in my chair, closing my eyes, just for a moment. I was exhausted from my lack of sleep, but nothing I did seemed to help. I didn't suppose, though, that I was putting enough effort into my health to be able to expect results.

Eventually, the words echoing across the lunchroom faded into white noise, and I was able to relax into a somewhat restful state. I felt someone besides me, though, so I looked up, pushing my hair out of my face, and saw Edward. My breath caught in my throat, and I blinked a few times and let the air rush out in a gush. I hadn't ever seen him at school.

He looked almost exactly like he used to when at school. His face somewhat guarded, but still touched with hints of amusement as he enjoyed the carefree environment that school provided to his normally onerous life. It wasn't quite right, though, because now, he didn't fit. Of course, the Cullens had never fit in. They just didn't possess the ability to belong to this environment. However, back then, they could at least give off the appearance. They could keep up with the pretenses. But now, my illusion of Edward couldn't even give off a single breath of belonging.

I didn't say anything, and neither did he. We simply stared at each other, being held up through the other's presence. Eventually, my absorbed reverie was disturbed as people swarmed around the cafeteria, throwing away trash and pushing past each other to exit the cafeteria. The bell must have rung, signaling the end of the lunch period. I looked back to Edward, scared he would use this excuse to leave as well, through the same doors my classmates walked through, yet into someplace completely different. He was still there, though, watching me just like before. I wished that I could have stayed there for the rest of the day with him, and I had made no move to get up, but then I saw a few lingering students casting me weird looks. Mike was among them, and he looked as though he was thinking of coming over to me to help me up, so I got up to leave without another moment of thought.

I didn't dare look back as I left, but as I walked down the hallway, I noticed someone familiar keeping pace right beside me. Edward had stayed. We arrived at my classroom, and though I had expected him to stop outside, he diligently followed me in, seating himself at the seat besides mine, the one that people kept vacant. It occurred to me just then that people now evaded me the same way they used to Edward.

Again, Edward looked nowhere close to right. Instead of looking prepared for class, he continued to stare at me as though we were alone, his golden eyes scorching through mine. I supposed that I didn't look quite right as well, because I kept my eyes on him all class too. No one chose to say anything.

He stayed with me the rest of the day, and we whiled away the hours in silence. I didn't risk touching him. When the final bell rang, signaling the end of the last period, everyone else rushed to leave the room, ready to get started on whatever plans they had for the evening. I, however, stalled at the back of the crowd, not sure if I wanted to leave. Would Edward follow me home, too? Or had he only been planning to be with me for the day at school? He stuck by my side as we walked through the halls, but when we reached the doors of the building my feet faltered.

It was raining outside; droplets of water streaked down the windows of the doors, and I could see them disturbing the puddles on the cracked pavement with ripples. I turned my head to watch Edward as we exited the building, but he faded away at once, as though the rain had swiftly melted him away. I looked down, as though I was expecting to see him reflected back at me in the puddles at my feet, but he was nowhere to be seen. I walked on, letting the afternoon downpour hide the solitary tear falling down my cheek.


	4. In The Water

I remembered the way the frigid water seemed to swallow me whole, encompassing me into its watery depths. I could feel the water soaking through my skin, the cold seizing my muscles, and the salt burning my nostrils, even though I was currently swaddled tightly in a thick blanket.

I had almost died. It was difficult to grasp that, especially now that I had "almost died" several times, most cases in the past year. If Jacob hadn't been there, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be dead. The thing that was nagging me in the back of my mind, however, that forced itself into the forefront of my thoughts, was that I wasn't sure whether I was better off here than I was in the water. In the water, I had Edward. Now, as I tried to recall the way he had looked in that moment, his features were blurred, as though the water had smeared him away from my memory. Here, I didn't even have Jacob. He was off protecting me from Victoria. I wondered if he would ever realize that the real danger was in my mind.

I hadn't been trying to kill myself. That's what I told everyone. That's what I told myself. I couldn't help but wonder now, though, whether being suicidal was the road I was steering myself down on. At first I had started out with the little risks, the ones that teenagers are expected to take. I'd been taking things more and more extreme, however, just so that I could see _him_. That's when the question hit me; would I do something like this again?


End file.
